So... Valentine's Day has never been special for me. I've never has a significant other who made me feel any extra important, or who even celebrated this day, which has made me a little bitter about this day. So I've never really been a fan!
And it always seems that life takes turns that create bad memories on days when I can't forget. Four years ago today, I had a miscarriage. I knew the baby was a girl. I had named her. I had started loving her. And then I lost her. I think of that precious little girl often, but I can't help but think of her, and the pain of losing her, on Valentine's Day. The day she got to be held in the arms of Jesus. The day He handed her over to my great-grandma up in heaven to hold an love. I will miss her always, but I know that I will see her again and for the first time all at once. Needless to say however, this day doesn't hold happiness for me... although I will say Happy Valentine's Day to my kids, and whomever I pass at work, or in the grocery store... that doesn't mean it is happy for me.
It was a year ago today that I found peace in the back of my church... After spending nine and a half hours in a smelly, nasty, sickly ER with my dad, wondering what was wrong, praying that it wasn't as bad as my co-dependant mind was telling me it was. Watching him fall asleep in the middle of a conversation because the infections in his kidneys was so bad, although we didn't know that's what was wrong at the time. Standing countless times at the foot of his bed, arms crossed, his hands in mine, as I braced myself one foot in front of the other, and helped him pull himself to a sitting position to try and relieve some, if any, of his horrible back pain.
It was a year ago today, that my mom (aided by a nurse) got in a wheelchair and left her hospital room on the 6th floor, took a dingy elevator to the ER where she found my dad at 2:38am to wish him a Happy Valentine's Day. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. She was being monitored for heart stress, and she takes the time.. in the Middle of the night... to go see the love of her life and wish him a HappyValentine's Day. Oh to be loved like that, and to love like that!
It was a year ago today that I followed an ambulance at 7:30 in the morning from one hospital to another one (thirty minutes away) to find the only available bed in the city where tests could be run, and dad could hopefully be treated. By now we knew he had kidney stones... but we didn't know that still today he would be battling this crap! I sat in yet another icky ER waiting for them to get him settled and situated so I could come see him... before visiting hours mind you.
I left dad after he was settled in and iv'ed in the stepdown unit at my least favorite hospital in Columbus. I had been up all night (and I'm the type of person who Needs their sleep). I told him I HAD to go to church. I just needed to be there. I don't do hospitals, or nursing homes... needless to say, there are reasons I didn't become an nurse. But Karin and Tim were busy taking care of their family, along with taking care of mom (who went into the hospital the day before I took dad, and Tim took her... what a great son-in-law. I don't know how they find the time sometimes with three kids of their own to take care of). My kids were with their father that Saturday night, which meant I was "free", so regardless of the icky hospital, I got to be with dad. I love every minute I get to share with him, he's always been my biggest fan, and I've always been "daddy's little girl". But it would be great if we could share time away from these medical facilities. I've grown accustom to the nursing home by now, but that doesn't mean I like it. I sometimes find myself holding my breath through the halls until I get to his room.
As I left dad at that hospital, leaving multiple numbers for them to call, because at that point I knew dad couldn't answer questions and remember what was needed because of the infections and the medication they had him on. I got in my car, and headed to my church, praying the whole time that I wouldn't fall asleep while I was driving. But I needed to be there. This is my family... Not related by earthly blood, but by the spilt blood of Jesus Christ. It is my safe place, it is where I found peace, where I allowed myself to weep, where I sat and soaked in the music and the message. As we sang the song... "This is the air I breathe, this is the air I breathe, your holy presence, living in me. This is my daily bread, this is my daily bread, your very word, spoken to me... And I, I'm desperate for you, and I, I'm lost without you." I don't remember anything else from that service but that song. It was what I needed to hear, what I needed to say. It was where I needed to be. I felt peace as I walked in the doors of that church, my church, my family. I didn't really talk to anyone, I just cried and prayed and sat there. And then I left. I picked up the kids from their father, and held them. I was SO tired, and so mentally drained. When they napped, I napped.
I guess that is seems like every year, this day, the day when everyone else celebrates their love, I seem to find more reasons to not like it. More reasons to just want to crawl into a hole and not be around anyone, more reasons to roll my eyes when all my girlfriends are getting flowers, and chocolates, and jewelry and other things that their men use to show them just how much they love them. I'm not sure that if I had a man to treat me like that that I'd be any happier about this day... but it would be nice to not have to face this day alone. Oh well... I guess the best thing for me to do, is to stop crying, fight through my day at work, and look forward to seeing my kids, I will be much better off. They are my life, and when Jackson is old enough, I'm going to do everything I can to teach him how important it is to make his woman feel special Every Day, but extra special on some of these certain days.
I surrender my pain and bad memories to God. In doing that, I am able to smile, even if just a little bit, and maybe I can see this as just another day, rather than a day full of not so good memories. I'm still Not a fan... But I will get through it, I will survive, it is what i do, it is how I have learned to live my life. God willing, I will have a good day, and I will smile and find joy, somewhere!!!
God Bless!! And Happy Valentine's Day!
